It Matters To Me
by Hailie Jade
Summary: okay so everyone’s done one of these, but here’s my post season finale fic


Author: Hailie  (hailie_jade24@yahoo.com)

Title: It Matters To Me

Summary/timeline: okay so everyone's done one of these, but here's my post season finale fic. Let me know what you think, thanks. 

The song used is, It Matters to Me, by Faith Hill. Lyrics appear in bold

**Baby tell me where you ever learn **

**To fight without even sayin a word**

How could you just leave?

You weren't even going to tell me. I think that's what hurts the most.

You weren't even going to tell me. 

I stalled, I waited, I wanted a hug, a kiss, a promise, a goodbye.

Something.

But no.

You left.

Your eyes said 'I hate you' and honestly I don't blame them.

Sometimes I hate you too.

Like now.

**Then waltz back into my life**

**Like its gonna be alright**

You're here. I know you're here. I've known since you got here, but I can't let you know that yet. 

First I have to figure out what to say.

"Abby," you say as you brush your fingers along my arm. I shiver and suck in a loud breath.

Damn, guess you know I'm awake now. How long have you know?

Liar. 

I roll onto my back and slowly open my eyes.

"John," I try to say your name coldly, but I can't.

'I'm glad your safe'. That's what I want to say, but I can't. 

You lean down over me; it feels like slow motion. Like in the movies. I'm supposed to melt.

"No," I whisper the word quietly, but maybe you didn't hear me because you allow your lips to touch mine.

**Don't you know how much it hurts**

Tears spill from my eyes, but I don't have the strength to push you away.

As the kiss ends you back away just as slowly as you leaned down. 

I move to sit up, but you stop me.

I move to wipe away my tears, but you stop me.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

One glance at you and I realize your not going to answer me.

My eyes search yours and I honestly don't know what I see in them.

I try to pull the covers further over me, but you are sitting on them and you don't offer to move. 

Don't my eyes say 'I hate you?'

**When we don't talk**

It's been three weeks since we talked. 

I don't count outside the ER two weeks ago, that wasn't talking. That wasn't even fighting.

Damn it Carter! Now who's hiding?

"Say something," I plead.

You don't answer; instead you lean down to kiss me once again.

**When we don't touch**

"Stop," I panic and bring my arms to push against your shoulders.

'Hurt' that's what I couldn't read in your eyes before.

It's been more then three weeks since you held me, since you kissed me. 

Since you showed me you loved me. Since I showed you I loved you too. 

"I need you," you whisper as you remove my arms and pin them at my sides. 

I can't stop it; hot tears run down my cheeks as I look away.

**When it doesn't feel like we're even in love**

"Please don't Carter."

'I hate you' is back in your eyes. 

I'm sorry. I'm not sure if I said it outloud, actually I know I didn't, but I'm sorry.

You're weight still pins me, but you no longer move closer.

What are you thinking?

I close my eyes and await your next action.

What are we doing?

Is love really worth it? I'm beginning to doubt it.

Do we even have love? Maybe it was an illusion. Something we wished was real.

Can I have my best friend back?

I feel you move off of me and I open my eyes.

I move to sit up and this time you don't stop me.

**It Matters To Me**

"What happened?" I don't know exactly what I meant, but I had to know something.

That's when I noticed that you had moved across the room and now stood staring out the window.

I took the moment to grab my t-shirt from the front of the bed and slip it on over my tank top. 

"Carter," I say as I notice you staring at me. 

"I shouldn't have come," you say.

**When I don't know what to say**

**Don't know what to do**

"Why did you come?" I ask. I immediately regret it, but in confusion I ask.

You look shocked, and in the strange moonlight that shines through the window you stand before, you look dangerous.

"I don't know," you say sounding defeated.

I'm confused. My mind is wandering uncontrollably as I try to figure out what to do. But thinking is no help.

You run your hand through your hair, a habit you do when you're nervous.

Why are you nervous?

Nevermind, I'm nervous too.

**Don't know if it really even matters to you**

"You just left," I say trying to explain my feelings.

Do you even care? I want to ask, but I don't.

You sigh. Thanks for the response.

You look away; I look away. It's a routine now. 

"Do you even care?" I shout this time, to hell with caution. 

That gets your attention. 

You look angry. Good at least it's something. 

"I've never stopped caring," you practically spit out the words.

Thank you, for that.

**How can I make you see**

**It matters to me**__

"I'm sorry if I missed that the last few weeks," I yell. Yes, I'm ready to be cruel.

You look away again; I could have told you that you were going to do that.

"Does this," you gesture, I know what you mean, but you continue. "Do we matter to you at all Abby?" 

It's a heavy question and the look on your face makes me believe that you doubted I'd answer it.

"Of course we matter to me, sometimes I doubt you think so." Okay, so maybe I answered to spite you, but at least I was honest.

Your not fazed, you saw that coming, I can almost read your angry response, but you stay quite. 

Damn it Carter, yell at me!

**Maybe I still don't understand**

**The distance between a woman and a man**__

"Is there even an us, Carter?" I ask.

I didn't mean for it to be cruel, but you flinch as if you've been burned. 

I wish I could say that I'm sorry, but I'm not.

"Abby," your stalling I see it.

So I continue for you, "cause sometimes I don't think so. You don't run off to Africa without telling your girlfriend so what am I?"

"Abby."

Yes Carter, I know what my name is thank you.

**So tell me how far it is**

"I'm serious Carter," then realization overcomes me and I say, "I get it, your stalling because your gonna tell me it was over a long time ago. Probably at the restaurant that night." You just stand there, well since I'm right I have nothing to lose, "Whatever I said, or did to make you hate me. . ."

"I don't hate you Ab, I could never hate you."

That's good to know, but I'm not sure I believe you.

Well my rambling has come to a stop, and the routine is complete as we both look away again. Allowing the room to fill with silence.

I bring my hand to my face quickly as renegade tears leak from my eyes. I won't cry, not for you, not again. 

I feel your hand on mine, and I tremble.

**And how you can love like this**

I look up into your eyes and notice for the first time that they hold tears too. 

I let you bring my hand down away from my face, and I let you pull me closer to you.

I do trust you Carter, I do.

I bury my face in your chest in a moment of weakness, or remembrance or stupidity.

I need the comfort that only you give me, but today it seems wrong because you're the reason I'm a mess.

Why is this so hard?

Being friends was easy.

You knew what you were getting into.

This silence bothers me, but it's your turn to break it so I remain quiet.

I feel your familiar fingers tangle in my hair, and your other hand grazes my bare skin below my t-shirt. It causes me to shiver and I think you should stop, but I won't say that.

"Ab," you say your voice is shaky. 

I bring my eyes up t meet your but I'm unable to respond.

"You know I love you, right?" you sound unsure.

You should be.

'Cause I'm not sure I can 

"Sometimes," I answer and I watch your expression change to, I don't know, angry maybe?

I move to look away but you don't let me so I settle for closing my eyes.

"Open your eyes," you ask, and after a few seconds I do.

I feel I should give you and explanation, but I can't.

"I love you more then I ever thought I could love someone Abby." I see only truth shining in your eyes. 

"I believe you," I whisper, I don't know exactly why that's not the response you wanted.

You nod your head. I can tell you're disappointed.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out suddenly. Even I'm surprised by it.

You take it the wrong way as you turn and begin to walk away.

No, please, carter, "John," I finally say forcing you to stop.

  
"It's okay Abby," you say.

I cut you off, "No, you don't understand," you try to cut me off but I keep going it's now or never and I can't let go of you forever. "I love you."

Your face brightens, and I see you smile for the first time in weeks. It forces me to smile as well.

You're across the room in record time, and I'm ready to be held in you arms.

Cause I love you, and you love me.

And we can figure out the rest tomorrow. 


End file.
